so all these years thinking maybe i was wrong turned out i wasnt my dad finaly came out and said today “ur a usless piece of shit that was a mistake”

the peaple close to me know how i feel with out me telling them but even still they dont know what goes threw my head everday. every day i look it to the mirror and every day im more disguested in myself i had to put of a fake face a mask to hide it from others and myself. its hard for me to wright this because i had to hid it from myself but relizing i hurt someone close to me with out knowing myself i was doing it. it isnt right. i may not know what i did but i dont ask for forgiveness in fact the oppisite. i have always know i will never live up to anything in my life and i would never be happy with my self so i have always put others before my self, i always belived even tho i will never be happy there no reason others shouldnt. but in my head at the same time i hated every one for how happy they were and knowing i would never know what it was to feel how they do. my whole life i been living a lie beliving that physical and mental pain is what ever person in life knew and it was normal so when i would be hit or left under a freeway at midnight or locked in a closet or pushed down stairs i thought it was a way of showing love. wheter it be my grandmother locking me away in dark closets and treating me as a punching bag to my dad trying kill himself in front of me to my mom legaly given me away my whole life i thought this was love. untill i finaly saw for myself what love really was and it made me relize what i thought was “love” was really hate. i tryed locking it all away beliveing they did it to make me stronger in life or they did it for some other reasons but it was any of that at all. thats when i started wereing the mask i wear now to hide the fact i have and always will be a mistake in my familys eyes. i have been told many times by them y havnt i pulled the trigger yet or hung myself there life would of been better with me not in it, but the thing that always stoped me was the thought “have they always thought this way of me have they ever felt any real love to me”. i told my self ill make them love me so i tried everything i became there slave i did anything the asked, but they were never happy with me i even graduwated high school a thing my parents havnt even done and all they did was look at me and said so. in my eyes i made my own family it was small but it was ppl i cared for it was me and my 2 brothers Jose Rodriguez and Steven Knight. even though they werent blood related i loved them and cared for them but even thought i was older and always called them my little brothers the truth was i was the one always looking up to them i wanted be like them even tho they had some bad points in there life and didnt always have thing go there way they were happy and as much as i was happy and loved them i was sickened in myself to know i wouldnt ever be like them i wouldnt beable to go anywere in life like i knew they would in my mind the same thing always repeted in my head “why do u always look forward u know urself ur a usless pieace of shit that no one wants anything to do with it would be better if u were dead” that same thing repets even to this day in my head atleat three times aday. i have thought of many ways of killing myself and it wasnt the fear of death holding me back it was always a lil thought in the back of my head that one day i might find this happyness i never knew. but it seems that know that i been breaking down a lil and being hurt more that without me knowing it was was hurting someone i thought i never would i hurt my brother and lost him and by doing that i relized i dont desive to ever be happy and this pain i lived with my whole life is what i desive if not more pain i always followed what other did because i was afriad i was afriad if i ever tryied moving on in my life i would hurt someone and latly i been forceing myself to live my life but what i was afraid of happening happen but it was someone i never wanted to hurt. i wore the mask i did the keep ppl out of my life the real me i built walls around myself not to keep ppl out but to keep myself in but lately the walls were falling apart without me knowing and i was hurting others i have so many thought going threw my haid as i type this i cant even say what i really mean even as i said i would let it all out right now i still fight it. no matter how hard i fight it i already know my life the past the present and the fucther im a worthless piece of shit that should never been born and no matter how much i dont want to amit it no matter how much i try changing it the fact of the matter is its true. even now as i wright this i glue the mask tighter showing no emothions but under the mask im crying im hurting and im in pain and i know that no one should be apart of that aprt of me apart of the suffering all i know is i need to hide it because for me all i know is pain, but others shouldnt suffer it because of me i know none of this makes any sense i know what has happen can never be changed but i know that i know what happens now when i try putting my past behind me and try living my life. i know i should listen to myself not what other say because they dont know me they only know a mask.